My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
