OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
