god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
