He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
