and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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