we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you didnt know i had herpes?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
