By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
