is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
