I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
