Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
