this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
BRING THE BAGELS
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
