Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
