It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
