People in love make me want to vomit
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
