You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
