Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
