You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
