I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
