Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
