And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
