Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
