Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
