I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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