Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
