no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
