K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
