you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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