I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
