he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
