We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
