I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
