This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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