Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
