I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
