I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
