I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
