i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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