I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
