I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
