She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
