fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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