I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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