I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
They took my balls.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
