So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
