god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
