I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
