I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
