So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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