Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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