I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
